not letting our past control us
friendships & crushes
you were still controlling me but I was oblivious I was your instrument you chose the notes played the song as you stroked each key it sounded just like me playing so I never thought much of it I thought I had no one left to forgive but there you were still hiding in the closet I loved you so much I’d sacrifice myself first exam day that’s when you remembered I was your best friend but weren’t we more than just transactional we met at three yellow barrettes tied us together inseparable last names with A’s first names with L’s a match made in heaven green barrettes came we were preteens during 2010’s earthquake our paths got split open and you made a decision that I never saw coming you chose someone you chose distance it hurt but I told my feet to draw nearer try harder but you never chose our friendship then navy blue barrettes came I thought you just didn’t know how to show up maybe I needed to be the anchor in my strength I thought being needed was the same as being loved so my exam was almost annulled because I thought that would make you call me your best friend again I hurt people this year trying to protect myself turns out the guard I built was because they reminded me of you I looked through the looking glass and assumed they’d hurt me just like you did but I’ve come to terms with something I didn’t know I was still carrying I hadn’t forgiven you thirteen years ago you were just a kid at thirteen year old and so was I you chose her because she embodied a safety net one who could navigate puberty & crushes with you who could give you answers that I couldn’t so today I need to let you go because the reality is not everyone is out to hurt me even when their personalities or skin hues collide with yours so my dear L.A. I’m choosing to forgive you, old friend otherwise I’ll bleed into my new relationships again. I forgive you. [4 July 2025]
Heart Call:
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. —
Psalms 119: 23-24
We carry wounds and unforgiveness from our childhood into adulthood without realizing. And the only way to we find out about them is in stillness.
Have you taken time to be by yourself some days, weeks, and months this year?
How can you take time in prayer and solitude
to ask God to reveal to you where
you’re operating from old wounds?