I thought for sure it was personal

or it seemed so

I cried again today
though I don’t believe in best friends
these salty tears had become mine
to grieve what we once were is easy
like bouncing a tennis ball
18 times on your first lesson
but — to grieve what I thought we were
that’s no easy feat
It hurts.

It hurts to bring your walls down
just for what was shared to become a weapon
piercing your heart
unraveling your memory
hearing a whisper, that’s what she said!

do I regret leaning a ladder on my own walls
just to show you parts of me
I didn’t even know existed

still
how good were those months... you saw me
and I saw you too
so how could I be so sure I was right?

you never once hid the truth
you were honest before
but for some reason
I didn’t believe you were honest now

It just didn't add up
until I saw — where that crack was from
an old wound masquerading as protection 
turns out I was reading between the lines
that your laughter was more theirs than mine

believing that I was too fragile 
to keep breaking down walls
that never asked to come down
but you’d always been honest
how could I not see that?

every micro-action I was keeping count
to prove that you were just like her
my best friend from birth
the one who had my same name initials, L.A.
the one I had to perform for 
just to earn attention and conversation
then still left me hang to dry 
at 11

your personalities had matched hers
and I found myself repeating 
the same performance again
I saw you though looking glass
when I was inside the house — on the couch 
with you all along

then one day our eyes met
body language spilled out in person
translating voice notes and texts
into genuineness
that conversation was hard at first
but He moved our lips to speak
the right words

I realized, I held the knife 
had pierced you first
before you could even move
my eyes were finally opened to see
old wounds dressing themselves 
in new clothes

and I didn’t even notice
when trauma drove my present.

Heart Call

Old wounds can steer us without us even noticing.
But being led by the Spirit is not the same as being driven by the shadows of
our past—rejection, anger, comparison, and all the rest.

• what’s one recent situation that’s still sitting heavy on your heart?

• do you need to have an honest heart-to-heart in person with the people involved?

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Photo Credits: Gabrielle Henderson.