It probably isn't about you

thoughts... on pauses

I remember once calling one of my best friends, and what we did over the phone was so funny. I called her just to hang out. We didn’t talk much. We could hear each other breathing. We said a few words here and there, but she just kept me company. 

At some point, I fell asleep—and when I did, she stayed on the phone with me. This happened so many times when I called her last year.  More than I could count really. There was something so special about sitting in that silence. Something safe.

Still, I have a theory that we’re uncomfortable with pauses.

When somebody pauses mid-thought, it creates this space of power where the other person has to actively wait and listen for what comes next. And I think that makes us uncomfortable.

So we rush to fill the silence with words. We fill the quiet out of insecurity, or close the conversation loop to protect ourselves. But in reality, processing things—taking time to fully let a thought sink in—helps us think clearer and share our ideas better.

I can think of so many situations where someone paused and I immediately felt insecure, like it had something to do with me. But it didn’t. It just had to do with their train of thought.

And yet, I’ve had conversations where I paused and people assumed I wasn’t engaged—when in reality, they had my full attention. And I was very excited to talk to them.

There’s something so beautiful about letting a thought hang though. You don’t have to know exactly what the other person is thinking right away. 

And there’s beauty in that.

Especially when you’re so secure in who you are and what you bring to the conversation. You don’t feel the need to perform. 
You don’t feel pressure to say the right thing or manage the impression you’re making. 

I know it’s always a journey—to get to a place where you can say, I’m interested in this person. I like them. I want them in my life be it as a friend—or something more. Then choosing to talk to them without worrying about the outcome. Just engaging for today. Asking how their day is going. Giving one honest compliment. Pretty much taking it one day at a time.

I believe we all can get to that point where we let a silence hang. Being able to pause. And not making it about you.

I used to be uncomfortable with pauses.
Now I love them. If you met me in person, you’d notice it—I speak a lot. Sometimes I pause a lot, too. It takes some getting used to. But I think on the other side of those pauses, our stories are better. What we share is clearer. Richer.

Silence gets misinterpreted. But maybe that’s the invitation. Someone is taking the time to find the right words—to give you a glimpse of their world. 

And in the end, maybe it does have a little bit to do with you in a good way.
Because they want to feel or already feel safe with you.

And isn't that special?

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Heart Call:

If someone pause, just remember it probably has nothing to do you. Sometimes it’s more about trying to figure out what is safe to share.

• How uncomfortable are you with silence—and why do you think you are?

• In any type of relationship, the same idea applies.
  If you like someone, how can you engage with them day by day

  without closing the conversation loop?

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Photo Credits: Othniel Dickson.