I Got a Bad Battery I Didn’t Ask For

three things came later

I’m trying to organize my thoughts
into something coherent
something that makes a little more sense
to tell you the story of the girl I used to be
or maybe the thing I carried
for years inside of me

Some years ago
I got a bad battery I didn’t ask for

I looked like a simple girl becoming a woman
but my reality sputtered 
t-t-t hearing that sound
every time I tried to start the engine

I thought it was just life
that having a bad battery
was a normal rite of passage with no end
carrying a little of the blues
into every room I stepped in

It happened so often
I started to think it was normal
Looking in the mirror
dealing with what looked like my reflection
and let me tell you
it was no picnic

My car left me stranded
in clinical depression
and suicidal thoughts
pretty much everywhere for fourteen years
Palmetto Highway, Tamiami, Little Haiti
you name it...

Still no one could tell
I had learned to mask the evidence
life of the party
at least that was my go to routine
a strong shoulder for everyone’s tears
except my own

Eventually my sister caught me
jump starting my battery again
reality had caught up with me
for the hundredth time

my proud culture's Caribbean voice saying
that my brain not being my friend 
was me being cray-cray
that I just needed to be tougher
strong enough to fix myself

Yet, sister saw through my hood
the strong Black girl facade
without lifting a finger
she just said
something she can’t even remember now
Lynn getting help is not weakness

Maybe He spoke through her that day
honestly I still don’t know

I just sat in the car
while my stereo screen flickered
my sign telling me it was never binary
one versus the other
prayer and self-reliance 
versus therapy and medication
His hands just don’t fit into those small
matte black compartments

I was just waiting for enough charging
to make it to the next family get together
or friend’s birthday party dinner
but He laughed at my maintenance request
and gave me a new battery

Inside it was
joy
peace
and confidence.

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Heart Call:

If you can’t eat, shower, or leave your bed, know that He loves you, bottles all your tears, and feels your sorrows too. He can and wants to heal your depression.

• Remember the darkest moments God has already pulled you out of.
  Have you counted your blessings lately?

• How can you be intentional this week
  about noticing the little miracles you’ve taken for granted—
  voice notes, writing it down, journaling,
  anything that helps you remember.

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Photo Credits: Harberdoedas