The fear no one talks about...
when friendship stops coming easy
Once, a friend told me her biggest fear: graduating college, getting her dream job in a shiny city… and eating dinner alone. Every night. In the same little café.
I was like: “A café!?? Oh no, I’ll mail you food every day. Faster than Amazon Prime, girl.”
She added, “I’m scared I’ll be surrounded by people but still invisible. Like a goldfish in a big blue tank.”
At the time, I just nodded, listened, and joked.
But later, I woke up startled. It was all a dream. The whole thing happened in the bathroom.
I missed one tiny detail… as I tilted my head slightly to the left I realized I’d been staring at my own reflection.
And doesn’t that happen often? We think we’re talking about someone else’s fear but really, we’re just looking in the mirror.
I realized I was that friend, the one quietly scared to ask, “Do you want to hang out?” I’d think the worst if someone forgot plans or didn’t reach out first. I kept quiet tallies, making sure everything felt fifty-fifty. Those insecurities held me back. Even with amazing people, I didn’t always know how to nurture the friendship and sometimes, I hurt the ones I loved most. Apologizing didn’t fix everything.
Owning my mess? That was humbling.
It taught me something… every journey’s about growth. Friendships are sacred but they’re also fun. And yes, they take effort. Friends are the family you choose and they don’t just fall from the sky.
There’s a Haitian proverb I heard growing up: “Bèl dan pa di zanmi.”
Just because someone smiles at you doesn’t mean they’re your friend. And honestly? It’s true. You can have someone’s number, see their likes on your posts, but that doesn’t mean they want to do life with you. Not every friendship plays the same role in your life and that’s okay.
Real friendships last when we don’t just wait to be invited but learn to make room for others in small ways. Reciprocity built on mutual care is the heartbeat of good friendships.
Life is messy, beautifully messy, and no one’s meant to walk it alone. Not you. Not me. Even if we’ve been hurt or hurt people, don’t shut people out. I know how hard it is. Because I closed myself off and thought life was easier without close friends. But something changed in college. I realized I needed community to live a full life.
So I prayed: “Jesus, You said pray about everything… well, I need some friends.”
Then I had to do my part: putting myself out there, joining clubs and organizations. I looked for Caribbean girls like the friends I grew up with back home. But those friendships never bloomed, not because they weren’t good people, but because we weren’t in the same season.
They were more outgoing than I was. And compared to them, I felt out of place. At first, the rejection stung. But it became a blessing in disguise. The best friends I met in college? Most didn’t share my ethnicity. And yet, those friendships became some of the most emotionally vulnerable and spiritually fulfilling connections I’ve ever had.
I grew.
I became more comfortable expressing my faith and emotions which even strengthened my relationship with my family. Some lessons can only be learned through experience. Friendship is one of them.
Not every friendship will reach that sacred level and that’s okay. Let friendships unfold naturally. Be curious about people’s lives and let things breathe. Over time, you’ll see whether the connection deepens or if it was only meant for a season. Knowing that frees us from disappointment and helps us appreciate relationships for what they are.
And friendship isn’t just about receiving, it’s about giving. When we only focus on our own struggles, we unintentionally make the relationship heavy, adding a weight the other person was never meant to carry.
Some things I have learned last year and I am taking with me:
People are not God. Never idolize a friend so much that you stop processing with Jesus.
Be generous in friendship. Share your joys and your hopes, not just your wounds.
Balance is key. Practicing gratitude in writing or voice-notes can be life changing.
Oversharing doesn’t ruin a friendship, it just makes you human. Learn, adjust, try again.
Our ability to connect, share worries, and hold each other’s hopes makes life meaningful. Yes, it is easier to retreat into the comfort of Netflix or endless scrolling. But we need to keep asking: Will those distractions be with you through grief, loneliness, or even your birthday celebrations?
We all know we need community. It starts with letting go of pride and making the first move. Apologize sincerely when needed. Take the risk of reaching out. If the friendship grows, you have struck gold. If it doesn’t, you have defeated fear. Either way, you win.
When you find a friendship like this, cherish it.
If you are still searching, don’t lose heart. Sometimes, the best friendships are the ones you never expected. Because in the end… true friendship is a glimpse of heaven, right here on earth.
Heart Call:
Friendships built on love, trust, and reciprocity remind us that we are not alone. They remind us to laugh when life feels heavy. They reflect God’s goodness, love made visible.
Have you asked God to show you the people meant for your current season?
What’s stopping you from making new friends, fear or comfort?
Photo Credits: Thought Catalog
I love this soooooo much!!!!